Oh dear, I do not know whether to feel guilty or joy after everything I have done up until this point. The only thing could dare make things worse if Léonce would discover these confessions. I never quite imagined that all of these things would happen. I thought I would have never got to feel this way. From being married into a dull, uninteresting, marriage with Léonce, to majestically falling in love with Robert Lebrun, to swindling with Alcée Arobin, there is so much I need to free my conscience from. Somehow, someway, I feel awake.
Where do I begin? I think it goes as far as back as to our vacation in New Orleans. During that vacation, I began to think about how you show no concern for me at times but, somehow we still understand each other. I also remember certain people being there as well and some of them would go on to later influence my behavior in different ways. It is quite funny to me that I and Léonce have a rare relationship in which I feel as if he simply does not care enough for me even though I love Robert. This is where it all started.Another thing that ultimately leads to my actions had to be the way I felt at times. I truly never mentioned my feelings at times. For a while now, I feel like I have been trapped. Not physically trapped, but trapped in ways that I feel as if I am not happy or, even free. Everything from feeling opposed, the truth, and even more. The way Léonce treats me at times as well as very unpleasant and makes me feel worthless. Even when it came to simple things, he would still criticize me when he himself could have done the task too. To make it even worse, I have to make myself responsible for things even though I know we both can be responsible. This is just one of the other things that held me back from having a sense of freedom.
One of the other things that have to lead me to be this way is the fact I do not want to be just like every other woman. What I mean by that is that I do not want to be like the other women who are wives that serve the husband and take care of the children. I want to have a form of freedom and being a wife that just serves and takes care of her family is not going to help me ever get this freedom I desire. I knew that wanting this freedom comes at a very big cost. Personally, I knew that if I wanted this freedom, I’d have to take the ultimate risk in order to be free.
One thing for sure that led to what I did, in the end, must have been the condition I was in. For a while, had not been happy because I was looking for this freedom. The way I saw women around me and how they were like gave me despair. Besides seeing the way they were, I felt as some of them could not comprehend my struggle and my wish for freedom. Some of them like Adele Ratignolle are some examples of women I aspire not be. On the other hand, Mademoiselle Reisz is sort of who I want to be but, I am not ready to give up big things though. I know what I want, yet I feel like there is not a single person that I could look to in order to help me find what I am looking for. Despite not finding anyone, I figured it would be best if I took it into in my own hands and, begin finding freedom on my own. I felt like no one would understand, I felt alone, so I took matters into my own hands and can now be seen what it has turned out to be in the very end.
Besides my actions that led me to the way things are now, I did some things behind the back of my husband. I never really felt free when with him at any time. At one point, I ended up falling in love with Robert Lebrun while with Léonce. Robert was away in Mexico during the happening of my awakening but, somehow still was a part of it. Even though Robert is younger than I am, he brings something out of me which makes me no longer want to hide at times. When he promised to write to me while he was away made me sad not because he was writing to me but, that I never got the letters. I had known about Roberts’s reputation with other women as well but, he just made feel a certain way. However, when he came back, things were not the same. He had changed in different ways but most significantly in his love for me. It seemed to have gone away. I will never forget that type of feeling ever again.
One of the other things I did behind the back of my husband was cheating on him with Alcée. I remember that I began fooling around with him when Léonce was away on that trip for something in New York. I had known that Alcée had fooled around with other women who had been married as well too. Oh, but there is just something about him that drove me in a such a sensual way. However, despite having an affair with him with such excitement, I was not going to let him get his way with me. I heard so many stories about the things with other women. Despite this, I did not allow him to get his way this time along with the fact that I felt no forms of emotion whatsoever. The affair is something I feel as if I must regret it for many reasons.
In the end, I ended up taking my own life. I had no other option. It was the only way I knew I could be free. I was never able to be free or love who I love. I am sorry for ever and ever.
The Free Edna